"For charity" festival commissions report

About this time every year, I attempt to find out the St. Patty's Day commissions from Five

Points Association Executive Director Merritt Mchaffie.  But as this has become an exercise

in absolute public records futility, I also spend some well-wasted FOIA time trying to find

out what the U.S. military really had to do with the assassination of Vietnamese President

Ngo Dinh Diem and whether the European Union will ever fess up to ruining the career of new

age musician Yanni.

Every year, the Five Points Association goon squad dodges basic public records requests for

information any non-profit organization staffed by semi-literate gerbils should be able to

provide to a newspaper within minutes.

This year, I was told that FPA would present me with the information I desired if I would

kindly bring them $118 to pay for "reproduction costs."  How stupid do they think I am?  In

five minutes, I could be trolling Two Notch Road and forking out no more than $15 for all the

reproduction costs a man could ever need!

I am asking for information that can be limited to one solitary piece of paper.  I want to

know the commission amounts for the St. Patrick's Day festival.  That's it.  I don't want a

ream of paper.  I don't want to know any of the other corrupt acts enacted by this group the

other 364 days of the year.  Merritt, I just want several numbers with names.  And I won't

even waste my all-time worst pickup line on you:  "Baby, I'm not Fred Flintstone, but I can

make your Bedrock!"

Anyway, surprise, surprise!  The cost of that one sheet of paper from FPA is still $118.  I

hope to God some FBI agent in the Strom Thurmond Federal Building is reading this article!! 

Help!!  I am being extorted!!  This is worse than Wisconsin!!

In previous years, City Paper has resorted to getting attorneys involved to threaten suit

against FPA for the St. Pat's commission information.  Last year, however, I decided to crash

the beer server training event at Sharky's Bar prior to the St. Patty's event.  First, I

didn't have to pay attorneys.  Second, I figured I'd be able to sneak a couple of pints of

Guinness for my trouble.

I tracked down each individual making hefty commission checks from the festival.  Again, what

a surprise:  the same people were benefiting AT TAXPAYER'S EXPENSE, and the same ol' "Five

Points Mafia" behavior still existed.  At least one small business, Disorderly Conduct, had

been told it could not sell beer at the event.

When I approached Kelly Glenn, owner of Village Idiot, she was by far the most friendly and

forthcoming corrupt merchant.  She admitted to making an eight percent commission on beer

sales for organizing a mostly volunteer staff.  Depending on beer sales, that figure may have

been well over $10,000.

Skip Anderson was not quite as forthcoming and denied making very much—although records show

he received at least $8,000 for his action on wristband sales from 2009.  I don't know about

you, but $8,000 is "very much" to me.  Hell, that could buy me—I mean, my delivery guy—

about 300 blowjobs on Two Notch!

"[My pay out] is not percentage based," Anderson told City Paper.  "I'm just here to help out

and see what happens, man."  My impromptu interview with Mr. Anderson came to an abrupt halt

when Duncan MacRae, the co-owner of Yesterday's and a co-founder of St. Pat's in Five Points,

interrupted us.  "Get off my ass," MacRae demanded.

Mr. MacRae, I have two statements for you.  One:  As a taxpayer, how about you stop ripping

off my ass with $15 at the gate, and I'll get off yours?  And, two:  everyone knows your

meatloaf is made from fox squirrel road kill.

Especially benefiting financially every year from the Five Points Leprechaun Carnival is Jack

Van Loan, FPA's economic development director (AKA expert extraordinaire at butt-fucking

taxpayers).  Van Loan receives what can be described as a "fat Al Roker fee":  if God doesn't

make it rain in Columbia during the festival, he gets a guaranteed $5,000.  Talk about luck

of the Irish!

Year after fucking year, Van Loan gets monthly fees and expenses from FPA that total near

$30,000—and the guy doesn't even have to spend one minute walking the asphalt and playing

with his nipples in a miniskirt.  In addition, FPA has flipped the bill for meals for Jack

and prominent politicians, but there's no telling to the extent of the misallocation of funds

due to the secrecy of FPA and the lack of city oversight.  PEOPLE, THE GUY'S NAME IS "VAN

FUCKING LOAN"!!

In 2010, FPA received $280,000 in taxpayer funding from the city's hospitality tax fund. 

This fiscal year, FPA requested $455,000 of the $2.5 million fund, but were only allocated

the same $280K figure as last year.  Thank God; otherwise, Five Points traffic would probably

be clogged with oversized limousines driving back and forth between Speakeasy and Sharky's.

Hey, by the way, did I mention that FPA board member Richard Burts chairs the city's

Hospitality Tax Advisory Committee?  Yo, G-Man in the Strom Thurmond Building, are you

reading this?!?!

This is all old news, though, so what about the figures for 2011?  I guess I'll have to break

into the FPA office (again) to save myself the $118.

Oh, what the fuck.  Every year, our fair city ignores the Hospitality Tax funding problems

and writes blank checks without any required certified audits from corrupt mafiosa

organizations like FPA.  City Council turns a blind eye, and taxpayers don't seem to care

that they're being anally raped by a splintery old mop handle.

All I have left is a famous quote by Emma Goldman:  "If voting changed anything, they'd make

it illegal."  (And based on Will Moredock's column on page 7, who's to say your vote will

even be counted?)

In the spirit of our fake democracy, this year I have decided to invent the commission

figures and FPA takes.  After all, in previous years, they've always accused me of

exaggerating.  Why not cut to the chase?

Yes, that means put away your red pen, Debbie McDaniel!  (Five Points business owner Debbie

McDaniel was voted back on the FPA board last year despite the fact that she failed to show

up to the actual meeting when the vote occurred.  In fact, none of the candidates running for

the FPA board showed up at that meeting.  Can anyone say ‘hubris'?  The transparency of

McDaniel, self-proclaimed queen of Five Points, can be seen from the monitors of Five Points'

security cameras in the back of Revente.)

So without further ado, here are last year's St. Patty's Festival commission amounts not

provided by FPA Executive Director Merrit Mchaffie:

Beer Sales Commissions to Kelly Glenn for 2010 = estimated $10,000 (plus the pleasure of a

goat's anus smothered in peanut butter for three hours)

Wrist Band Commissions to Skip Anderson to date = >$85,000 (Have you ever seen the gold-

plated, four-leaf clover cock ring they give to Skippy each year?)